A resettled Bhutanese walks us through why he thinks suicide is preventable based on his experience of having gone through suicidal thoughts in recent past.
Not quite long ago, whenever I heard about suicides, I used to question myself—why the hell people take their own lives? And my resolution– at least, I would never take my own life.
Contrary to my resolution in theory, it took me only three months, unknowingly, to cultivate ‘suicidal thoughts’ in the recent past. Fortunately, I managed to liberate myself from such thoughts on time; therefore, you are reading this message today directly from me on ‘why I think suicide can be prevented.’
Of late, I was undergoing a very strained relationship with my girl, whom I had loved more than myself. I do not like to dig deep into our relationship issues for I think it does not mean anything to you.
Things became worse to me once we started living separate. This is when I became too frustrated. At times, I felt lonely and depressed. I felt badly betrayed. I dropped my studies. I lost my job. I kept struggling to live my normal life. I did not share this to anyone. When my family members happened to check on me, I pretended everything going fine.
The level of frustration kept rising. I gradually started withdrawing from social life. I preferred to remain out of contact. I began to think that there was no one ready to support or care me. I felt irritated to talk to people, even with family members.
One time, one of my relatives needed help with a ride for an appointment to a doctor’s office. Although I knew this was an important appointment, I avoided it. I pretended that I had class at the same time of his appointment. I was so frustrated that I felt I lost all hopes and energy to continue my life.It was probably 15th or 16th of Nov. 2013, I was traveling out of town (east coast, United States) and heading home. I had already driven for about six hours. In few hours I would reach home. It was around 2:30 in the afternoon; I was passing through a forest area on the highway driving 60 miles/hour.
The outside panorama of the natural beauty was often drawing my attention away. But it did not heal the trauma I was going through. Momentarily, I had a suicidal thought. It kept me bothering. I wanted to end my life (anyway) as I get home. I thought the only solution to the turmoil I was facing was to take my own life.
I finally got home in the evening. I thought I might feel relaxed and it might reduce my stress level if I consume alcohol. I drove to a nearby Sunoco gas station and bought some beers. This was the first time I was consuming alcohol.
I completed a can of beer. When I sat on my computer and started chatting with some friends via social networking sites, it struck me — what I was planning to do shortly afterwards—end my own life—was not worth it. I thought I needed help.
This is when I decided to talk to friends and relatives about what I was going through. As many people as I talked to that night, they all had one opinion in common— this beautiful life is sometimes challenging but you should take courage and move forward.
It struck the chord. It touched me deep.
I then thought that I would leave behind a pool of sorrows, possibly relentless pain and cloud of mysterious unanswered questions, to my entire family if I take my life. I recalled my college days and realize that I actually have a sharp brain that had made many impossible things possible in the past.
I went to bed that night and as I woke up the following morning, I felt more relaxed. I felt that half of my stress and frustrations had sublimated.
I promised to reinforce my normal life. I promised that I would continue to talk to friends and relatives. I am actually doing this more often these days than ever before.
Now I am back to my normal life. I do not drink alcohol, as I now strongly feel that it is not a remedy to a problem. I will be getting back to college soon. I am looking for a job as you read this testimony. I love my family and friends, as I now feel that I was on the wrong side, simply blaming them for my failure to cope with a minor adversity in my life.
When I look back, sometimes I laugh, and sometimes I regret for my decision to take my own life. The very cause that disturbed me was finally mitigated easily on my own initiation, and with inspirations from others.
Now, I am resolved to move forward in my life only with positive attitude towards life events. Suicide, therefore, is not a solution. If you have a problem, speak up, people.
The author, who intended to remain anonymous, is a young adult resettled Bhutanese refugee in the United States.